My shoes are too big for your feet

You all seem to have something or the other to say

Curses, complaints, whatever suits your ways

She’s not the same, she’s changed

She doesn’t take initiatives, she’s lame

Sadistic, self-pitying, excusing

The most appalling things you people have to say

Now here’s a picture I’m going to paint

I know you’ll fall short of imagination

To comprehend, what I’m trying to say

And I hope and pray you never have to paint one for yourself.

Here’s the picture,

Imagine the 20 years of your life that you’ve lived,

Get topsy turvy and take a 180 degree spin,

Over. Finished. Never coming back.

A new settlement that you have to make with yourself

Each day when you flip the calendar to a new date,

You start thinking of survival ways.

Wake up in the morning,

Wishing you never did.

Look at the clock,

12 hours of the day to go,

Before, again, the nightmares hit.

Take the pills to put you to bed,

It’ll get better with time,

They all said.

It’ll never get better,

The better is over.

What lies ahead the remaining days of life,

Is a new normal.

A normal that is with constant pain, grief and of course unanswered questions for the ways of the universe.

A normal where you’ve known the best days stored in the brain.

Under a file named 20 years and 11 months of my life.

A normal where random tears flow from the eyes,

Of sadness, reminiscence, nostalgia.

And you’re surrounded by humans like you, my dear friends,

Who will never comprehend.

For them, you are not the same,

You have changed.

And you want to scream and shout

To their faces.

This is what you want to say.

YES OF COURSE I HAVE CHANGED.

MY 20 YEARS 11 MONTHS THAT YOU WERE A SMALL PART OF,

THOSE YEARS AND THAT TIME IS OVER.

WHAT LIES AHEAD, IS OF COURSE CHANGED.

MY LIFE TOOK A SPIN I DON’T WISH UPON MY FOES EVEN,

A SPIN THAT HAS MADE ME LOOK AT YOU EVEN DIFFERENT

IT’S LIKE A BAD BRAIN INJURY THAT HAS CHANGED MY COGNITIVE ABILITIES FOREVER

It’s not a hangover that will pass over the day.

You definitely held hands, laughed, played

While the VIBGYOR colored the days of my life

But a friend told me once,

We all praise the rains and wait for it eagerly,

But when the VIBGYOR vanishes and the skies cry,

We run to the nearest shelter and curse,
for it disrupted our daily lives.

I disrupted the way our conversations took place,

I disrupted the cheery mood we shared.

But I’m not going to apologize for causing you this inconvenience

Because the Gods didn’t do it either when they spun my life around.

You go on with your jobs and higher studies,

And I am the happiest for you and shower you with blessings,

I hope you reach the top of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs,

Get all the success, name, fame, and fortune, whatever you wish for.

But I ask you one thing and only that,

Don’t judge me for my change, where I grieve and survive (and change, I definitely will.)

Because I don’t judge you for your fortunate and happy lives that you live.

Let’s let each other be in peace,

For my shoes are too big for your feet.

The brain is a clever piece of flesh

Memories, Remembrances, Nostalgia, Recollection, Reminiscence

Words, synonyms

All heading the same way

The past.

Brain, the body part that latches on to things, events, happenings

Good, bad, ugly

But it’s a cunning piece of shit,

To always fondly remember the good past

And miss it, wish it back.

And the ugly, thank the lords gladly that it’s over.

The brain be a twisted piece of flesh.

From the moment I open my eyes to the sun in my room,

To the shutting off of lights and pulling up the blanket.

Brain remembers him everywhere,

In everything.

Hope is another dark place

Could lead to more darkness,

Or to the tunnel leading to the light

But it’s better than knowing for sure

Because you don’t know what you don’t know

I would take the past days of uncertainty

Over the current certainty, the reality any day.

The certainty of the changed existence

Of those around me, for all the days left that we survive.

The brain was convulated, Numb, Uncomprehending

For those 3 days

But there was hope,

Hope for things to be eventually alright

But that’s all that it remained

Hope.

Never grew into certainty

But what became certain the 3rd night

When I heard the words,

“His last 2 hours”

It’s over.

The 20 years and 11 months of my life were over.

What lay ahead was a lifetime of Memories, Nostalgia, Remembrance, Recollection, Reminiscence

Of the good days,

Better days,

Of sanity

Because all I could see ahead

And my heart knew,

Was madness, chaos, unfathomable existence

No way out, just the one door

The one door that is survival

Each day at a time.

But the brain,

If only the brain would let me,

This clever piece of flesh,

Recalls an attached memory of his

Everything and every point it notices,

Leeches on to it and refuses to let go.

So even I can’t let go,

And so I survive as the top flesh commands

Remember and recall all attached memories

All to everything.

Everything. Anything.

Everywhere. He is.

Everything.

You’re not here- under our yellow blanket

Dear Mriganka,

When I needed a GPS to my first day in class,

You were there

When I needed to not feel like a loner and sit with someone

You were there

When I needed to know about the different cliques

You were there

When I needed to understand pre-adulthood

You were there

When I needed to feel pretty

You were there

When I needed someone to call a friend

You were there

When I needed to heal from betrayal

You were there

When those who betrayed needed a dose

You were there

When I craved for my favourite Music album

You were there

When I needed to borrow cash

You were there

When I needed to get out for some fresh air or lunch

You were there

When I needed to lie to my mom for a date                
You were there

When I needed a bed after a fight

You were there

When I wanted to rebel and cry

You were there

When I wanted to get drunk with no regrets

You were there

When I had to be alone in class

You were there

When I wanted to talk about my past

You were there

When I just needed someone to listen, not necessarily understand

You were there

Then when I had to leave and go away from you

You were there

When I was excited and you were going to be alone

You were still there

5 years, it’s been my love

And you’re still there

Not in the close proximity that I would want you in right now.

Because I really miss you.

All the good, bad, ugly, drunk, awesome times we’ve had,

And we’re growing up. Damn we’re growing up.

Birthdays and the years that are going by are deciding our lives for us, our future.

I don’t want to grow up. I still want to be a rebel and come crying to you. I still want to be angry and have you bring me back to reality. I still want to be immature and dependent on you. I still want to be able to have your home on the back of my mind always when things aren’t going right.

I still want to be able to tell the world to go to hell in a hand basket because you’re walking distance away from me.

Seas separate us now. Time zones differ. I know our love doesn’t, our bond doesn’t.

But you’re not here.

I love you, yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever.

I miss you every day every moment that my brain functions.

Home is not home without you. This city loses its special meaning and charm for me without you.

My first friend, person, my best friend, soul sister, girlfriend, whatever the fancy terms maybe,

Mriganka Chawla, I’m at a loss of words to try and explain to you how much you mean to me and how much I miss you. Get here soon please. I miss you I miss you , i miss you

My best regards and lots of love

Yours Truly,
Hina Yadav <3
Missing you in our yellow blanket.

Batting them away like a ball- They are we!

He was born like her

For the initial years

They all found it ‘Oh so adorable!’

Gradually while trying to accept who she is,

The eyebrows frowned

The reality struck

The stigma began

It was no longer ‘Oh so adorable’

But rather, deplorable

Freedom of expression?

Right to life?

This was his expression,

This was her life

But the eyeballs,

The whispers,

The gossips,

They made it tough

But he nevertheless went on through to the her

And now as she walks with pride

Taking all the remarks in her stride

Like a ball and bats them away!

Away from the stadium that is her life and dignity

Preserving her stadium,

She is you

He is me

They are we!

Gods’ Handiwork

She struts around in the society

Pretending as if it’s all so dreamy

Little do these unknown faces know

She feels perplexed about how to be himself

When one fine day she decides to be him

But now the world around him is perplexed

Is it her or is it him?

They distance themselves

Ignorant of the existence

Changing the topics and cringing

Not able to fathom the change

But can’t you see

They breathe the same, eat the same,

They feel and bleed the same

They are changed, yes

But just like you.

They are humans

Humans with who changed

But humans nevertheless.

Humans- Gods’ very own special handiwork.