'You're a woman in the Indian society, you have to be perfect!'

I don't know how many girls my age, FYI i am 19, have heard this line, but i have heard this line quite a few times especially now that i am in college, and since i am in an all girls college, i am well aware of all the feminist thoughts and women's rights in a patriarchal society, lines like these piss us off like someone getting the wrong order when you've been hungry for 24 hours. I am not allowed to and cannot make a mistake, because 'i am a female in the Indian society' and hence cannot make a mistake.

I cannot have too many male friends because that would term me as a 'slut' or a 'whore' or a third class girl, or as they say in Hindi 'banjari'. To all the parents who have put their daughters in a co-ed schools, please note, that if you don't expect your daughter to get close to or make male friends, well then, you made the first  mistake of putting her in a co-ed school.
Someone i know, a girl of course, recently confessed to her parents, that she drinks cocktails with her friends, basically that she consumes alcohol.
Her parents of course shocked out of their wits were just not ready to accept the fact, that their oh-so-perfect-GPA-daughter 'drinks'.
She tried explaining to them that she made a mistake and she wants to stop. She knows how much she has upset and disappointed her parents and the two things that she can't get out of her head are, her dad telling her that she was here (raising his hand above his head) and now she has stooped down there (lowering his hand to way below his knees), and when her parents mentioned that had it been a guy it would've been like okay, but being a girl, that too in the Indian society, she is going to pubs and bars and drinking, like WTF?
Well, that girl feels unfortunate that she was born as a female, in this world. She tells me, that she now understands why there are so many cases of female infanticides in the Indian society, because females are apparently not supposed to and cannot go out and make mistakes, experiment, take risks, just have a life and then come back and have the guts to come clean to their parents. Because females are just not supposed to have the guts to be fearless and be honest. She tells me she now feels as if her life is over, she's gonna be looked down upon by the society, she feels mentally raped by all the horrific pictures that were put into her head. She feels useless that there is nothing worth while that she can do with her life, now that she touched alcohol with her pure, virgin lips. She made a mistake and THAT is a sin.
Girls cannot make a mistake.
No, they are supposed to be daddy's perfect little girl, who would wait for her father to come back from the office and play with her. And as the girl grows she goes on to be the perfect girl who gets the perfect scores and results in her studies. They also want their daughter to go abroad on scholarship for higher education and carry the burden of having to be the perfect Indian cultured girl. Please note that if this girl consumes alcohol in her limits, goes out dancing, gets the perfect score in her studies, probably becomes really close to an American male or a female, but is doing really well, gets a great job and is independent, she is still not cultured, and she has gone down the wrong road and is never gonna be able to get a good, rich, NRI husband for herself, because she isn't the perfect 'bahu' and is an independent, young woman, who enjoys her drink and that once in a while cigarette and is a feminist.

I guess what i'm trying to say here is that a lot of times, we girls are made to feel as if we are not entitled to the right of making a mistake, whereas what people need to understand, especially elders is that, the wisdom that you're sharing with us is something that you've gathered over your 30,40,50, years of your existence on this earth, and we are just teenagers, in the phase of gathering the wisdom, and as they say, actions speaks louder than words, hence your lectures, i.e. the words, are not gonna effect us that much. Hence, someone came up with another quote, learn from your own mistakes, so its time for us to make mistakes and for you mature adults to forgive us and stand by us.
One learns the most from experiences, hit and try, risks, and everyone knows that the young blood always wants to experience and try new things, because let's face it, this is the age.
One is not gonna wanna bunk college or work when they're 50 years old.
One wouldn't wanna try their first drink when they're 60 and on pills for god knows how many ailments.
One wouldn't wanna date the hot guy in class, when they're 40 and married with two kids.
So when do you do all of that stuff?
And why are we so hell bent on having our daughters be perfect and be the ideal role model for all the other girls around?
Why?
Why can't we ask our daughters to be the most independent woman, who isn't answerable to anyone, one who doesn't need a lecture form anyone, because she's been there, done that and has great experience.
Why are we stuck in the race to make our teenagers perfect beings who will be asked for the most in the corporate and professional world?
Why can't we ask them to sit back and relax, let the world race?
Why do the girls have to be girls?
Why can't they just be human beings just like anyone else, with the right to make a mistake without stooping to the lowest level? Without being termed 'sluts' and 'whores'?
Why can't they just be, them, without having to put on and fulfill the criteria of an ideal woman of an Indian society?
Why?

Who Decides ?

With the Indian Supreme Court criminalising homosexuality, and refusing to accept a petition seeking a review of the judgement on Section 377, one often questions and doubts the priorities of our government and judicial system. The Section criminalises sexual activities "against the order of nature", asserting that the whole concept of homosexuality is "unnatural".
A very strong and valid point was put forth by one of my classmates during a discussion on Section 377, and the whole notion of homosexuality being "unnatural", and she said that, a man suffering from erectile dysfunction or impotence and not being able to perform sexually, is unnatural too, because "naturally" a man is supposed to have an erection during sexual performance, so shall we put the man behind bars, because it's "unnatural' of him to not have an erection?
And if one said that impotence or erectile dysfunction might be caused by certain health conditions, then the condition of homosexuals is that they are attracted to members of the same sex, so what's SO "unnatural" about that?
And what about the uncountable rapes that take place in our country every day? Is that natural?
Having forced sex with someone without consent and physically harming the other person, is that natural? But yet, the least the court can think when it comes to that is declare a rapist a juvenile and let him go? WOW. That's one applauding decision. We can't solve rape cases with proper justice and we are one to talk and judge other's people's matters of personal choice.
Now, one would say that, a man and woman are supposed to be together, because "naturally" they would be able to make babies, and members of the same sex cannot achieve that. So we're saying that, a person's genitals and sexual organs are the decisive factor in choosing a partner for oneself?
WOW! Society never sounded lamer.
Also, lets ask ourselves, if it's just about a man being with a woman, then why do we have such things as"break ups " or "divorces", if it's just about a vagina being with a penis?
Every man should be able to get along with just any woman, right?
But that's not how the world is. It's not about a guy being with a girl, but a person being with the right person, now that could be a girl wanting to be with a girl of her class, because she makes her happy, or just makes her feel something that no one else ever did?
A guy might wanna go out on a date with his male office colleague to just see if he is his type, and what's wrong in that? They might wanna get intimate later, hold hands, indulge in sexual acts, do whatever the hell they want, who are we to decide and tell them NO YOU CAN'T BE WITH ANOTHER MAN BEING A MAN YOURSELF, BECAUSE NATURE DOESN'T PERMIT IT AND IF YOU DO, YOU'LL BE PUT BEHIND BARS.
Sounds like an elementary classroom case doesn't it, where the kid blackmails saying "I'll tell Mrs. Know-it-all, give me back my underwear."
Also, i don't think we heard any rumbling or thundering or any cases of cyclones, every time homosexuals made love, so i guess NATURE is least bothered about WHO you Do.
Well, the Supreme Court tried to be like those scary teachers in high school who blackmail you saying they'll take you to the principal and blah blah..but here, the rebels (homosexuals) are the  BAD KIDS of high school, who, no matter what the teacher or the principal or the director of the whole institution says, they won't give a shit. Nothing you can do or say or assert, will stop homosexuals from loving and making love to their partners.

It's funny how we talk so high of being a developing country, progressing towards becoming one of the most important economic powers of the world, but we cannot even accept people, people around us, our own countrymen, normal human beings, we can't accept them and accommodate them in our society and instead declare them criminals for making their own PERSONAL CHOICES.
WOW. Such a shallow society and we talk about being united and cultured beings who will prosper and be a great nation.
PEOPLE make a nation great and if one cannot take care of it's own people and ensure a certain degree of satisfaction for them, one will only see the nation being gulped and pulled down by it's own judgements and decisions, and for those who watch, it's only a matter of time.

Can we really LOVE ourselves?

Just this morning i was talking to my friend, telling her about my acne condition and how everywhere i go, people ask me about my condition first thing, forget greetings and all, and how i have been working on treating it for quite some time, but today in the morning someone again commented, sharing their 'wisdom' on what not to eat and what all to do to treat it, like i wasn't doing enough already? So, i was quite upset and fed up of all this, and broke down, telling my friend how i hated my life and my face, and how i am doing so much and i don't want to be this way. And two things that she said really got me thinking, i kept pondering over it in my room, with loud music playing, shutting myself from the world existing outside, and kept thinking till i started writing this post. So, it's late in the afternoon and i'm still trying to figure out the depth of the two things that she said.
She simply said, 'LOVE yourself, and just who you are and forget what people say' AND 'We all have issues and problems but we try to work them out and move on right?'
And that was the end of the conversation with her, and i told her i'll talk to her later, i need some time.
And THAT moment to NOW, these things said by her are all i can think of and try and make sense of. Although, I've heard this stuff a lot of times and even told people about how they need to start loving who they are and not care about the world and just look ahead and move on, but you know what they say, 'it's easier said, than done.'
So, now that i am facing a similar circumstance as most teenagers, looks, shape, size, all that takes over the minds of teenagers, but for me, this  holds a bigger and deeper significance in life.
'LOVE yourself for just who you are and forget what people say'.
P!NK's song, Don't let me get me, {http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asaCQOZpqUQ}  is  the perfect song that expresses our insecurities about ourselves, fights with ourselves, and how we pray we were someone else, living someone's else's life. Love, was never said or told to be easy. Loving a person, passion, or anything for that matter, requires lots of patience and tolerance and is not an easy job. Love is never happily ever after, there are always times when one hates it, feels like giving up on it, feels hurt, depressed, but there are also times when one feels genuinely happy, on cloud 9, blissful, like everything in the world is beautiful again. But how do we know when love is happy, beautiful and blissful?
We know it when we have felt hatred, depression, hurt, and it is when we have sensed these emotions that when we experience the opposite, we know that it is happiness, that the world is beautiful and blissful. So, i guess to feel one emotion, knowing what the opposite feels like is necessary. A single way hardly ever works, fries need to be made with salt, pizza needs oregano and chilly flakes, a drink needs ice etc. Similarly, even love is a two way process. we can't expect anyone to love us and accept us, if we can't love ourselves. It's pretty simple, if a person is trying to impress someone and is trying to be like a third person, in looks, shape, size, success etc, it really doesn't make sense, because then, instead of being with the person who's trying to impress the other by imitating the third person, one might as well just go and be with the third person directly. Why go through the pain of being with someone not confident enough and wasting all the energy on trying to be someone else?
Each individual in itself is different and that's what sets each one of us apart from the other. True, loving oneself is not easy, because LOVE is not easy, but as another song by P!NK says 'Try Try Try' {http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTCDVfMz15M} so, i guess our best shot is to try and love ourselves just the way we are, because that's what's different about us and that's what people will love. YOU. Not who you're trying to be.

'We all have issues and problems but we try to work them out and move on right?'
In the end when i though about this, i actually laughed at myself and felt disappointed in myself. ALL, each and every one of us in this world is currently dealing with some or the other issue. Someone's worried about the next meal for his family, someone is dealing with a deadly disease, someone must be worried about an accident that took place and whether the person is gonna make it or not and so much more. And what am i worried about? A few zits on my face. Now that I've explained it, i'm sure the one reading it, feels like laughing as well, and might think how immature of me to let something like this bother me, right?
True. These are very little, time wasting issues, and after counting one's blessings and looking at the suffering around, one feels contented with where they are. And one must be in a happy place, for we all deserve it, we try and work out our issues, if solved Great!, but if not, well, then i guess it's just time to move on.
Sleeping and dying are quite similar situations. When one is in deep sleep, it's just you, and your dreams and nightmares, which are all yours, no one knows, no one peeks. It's just you, alone in paradise. And when one dies, the place where one goes to, is all yours. No one to interrupt or disturb what you do or where you go. One can go to that far far away land.
So, i guess in this world, even while existing on this earth with billions of people around, we need to go into that trance, where we do just what we want, be who we are, and just Forget what people say, because the bored people in life need some entertainment and someone to share their 'wisdom' with, which otherwise got them nowhere, and hence, they wish to 'enrich' us with their thoughts. But we know just what we need, so i guess we can choose to separate out all that we hear into 'trash' and 'sense', and just move on and be in that happy place in life, because Lord knows,
We Deserve to Love Ourselves.

When being selfish becomes a good thing..

SELFISH, a term defined by wikipedia as  'Lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure', is usually considered as a negative aspect of one's personality, but you know what they say, "Everything has it's pros and cons' and i agree. I say being selfish has some really great benefits and every now and then we all need to be selfish for ourselves and for the people around us, saving them the misery of looking at a sulky face everyday. Taking out time for oneself, pampering oneself, doing something on your own that you don't want anyone else to know you did, turning a blind eye to people's concern for one day won't kill them. Just caring about yourself for once, it feels great. There are two extremes to this notion of being selfish once  awhile. One can go to the absolute extreme of being selfish and caring about oneself at the cost of hurting others, which definitely is not what i mean here. My blog entry, dated 20th August 2013, titled, 'My Time, My Space',  is somewhat along the same lines as this one. It's about taking that time out just for yourself, it may be at the expense of cancelling a plan with your best friend, or dinner with your family, but this little time is about saying HELLO to yourself, while the whole week you may have helped a friend through a tough time and heard all her miseries, it's time for you to listen to yours, your issues, your miseries and search deep within for solutions to those issues and problems, for it is the human itself, who can solve it's own problems, be it any kind. The strength to face a challenge comes from within, as self motivation. In this big competitive world, we often find ourselves lost, and we don't realise what we may be turning into, the slaves of gadgets, and documents and desk jobs which demand our attention almost 24*7. Even when we go to sleep at night, it is to wake up to the sound of the alarm to start our structured day, which begins with us offering our labor for money. We are so surrounded by activities for money, that we often find the humanity inside us, lost, and before it's lost forever, we need to be selfish and go against what the world demands and just sit for a cup of coffee with ourselves. Rediscover, rejuvenate, not care about the amount of work that awaits, or the boss' mail that requires urgent reply, because we all know, that until and unless it's  the question of life and death, nothing is going to change in a few minutes or even hours for that matter. Taking out that little selfish time once a while, is very important, because it tells your soul that you know it exists, it reassures your soul and conscience that you matter, that you know who you are. Before being an employee, student, wife, mother, husband, friend, any relation and role, you are YOU. YOU is what defines all the other relations and roles in this world. So, don't immerse in these roles and relationships so much that one looses themselves. YOU, I, ME is very important for a peaceful, happy and contented living. As one of my lecturers often tells us, "We need to stop existing, and start living". 8 words, but they have defined the way one must live each day. Each day should be a memory well lived, and that starts when you're a happy person, doing what you like, and being with yourself as well, being a little selfish, just for little sweet memory of you, with yourself. My roommate once told me that the best birthday that she had was when she was at her new job, didn't know many people, she booked herself a hotel room, left her phone at home, spent the whole day and night at the hotel, all by herself, enjoying the spa, the massages, dinner, she was a happy person when she woke up the next day. It was a day well spent with just herself, and it is the best birthday memory she has. So, yes, maybe few of her friends, colleagues, family wanted to celebrate with her, but she celebrated herself, and those friends and family are still here to stay. So, a little time for yourself, a little selfish attitude and a little YOU,  never hurt no one. :)
Cheers 

A diary entry of a Flapper woman of the Roaring 1920's.

Dear Diary, 16 May 1923

Ever since I started working, I feel like a new woman altogether. We, women, have been suppressed so much, made to feel, like household chores and pleasing men is all that we are meant for, but now, I feel, we are no less, we have a say, a position in this male dominated society and soon, we shall be treated as equals in all areas of life. The struggle for voting rights for women has already begun, and I am sure we shall succeed in it. We, women, have taken a stand and discarded the traditional corsets, which we were made to wear, since childhood. My mother would often tell me that to be desirable and appear attractive to a gentleman, I must have a narrow, thin waist and accentuated breasts, and so I need to wear corsets. However, I have made a decision and that is, to discard the tight corseting and adopt the flapper attire. I don’t wish to be looked at by men just as objects; I am an independent woman now. If I need to fight for my rights, freedom and achieve equality for my fellow women and future generations of women, I need to set an example, just like Coco Chanel. 

Coco Chanel is one of the first women to wear trousers, cut her hair and reject the corset. Coco Chanel is a spark and we need to spread this fire now. This era is marked for change, with the economy growing and widespread prosperity; women have been exposed to sudden employment opportunities as typists and telephone operators etc. My neighbour, Sindy Gallon’s husband, just bought a car, they are no longer a luxury, mass produced vehicles have become so common throughout, and it’s a good thing, because I feel that all, no matter which class of the society one belongs to, all have the right to experience new things and lead a life of equality, free from any kind of social discrimination. Because of the increase in motor vehicles, there is on-going construction of highways and expressways, which is really great, seeing the increase in the number of automobiles on the road suddenly. 

Although the electrification had slowed during the war, it has progressed greatly, and many industries have switched from coal power to electricity, electricity production has quadrupled. All these changes that are taking place are a sign of a new era that is coming in. Working families are now able to afford basic clothing, owing it all to improved production methods which have enabled manufacturers to produce fabrics like cotton and wool, which are the abundant fabrics these days. Silk, is more luxurious and expensive and hence, there is limited supply. Years from now, if my children or grandchildren read this diary entry, I want them to know that a lot of struggle is taking place right now for equality of women, voting rights, and breaking the social norms associated with the woman. The biggest changes that have taken place for women are, employment and independence in terms of our clothing. Corsets have been worn by women for a really long time, and they have deteriorated the health and emotional state of women for years and now finally, women have opted for the simple silhouette attire, for reasons more than one. Corsets have created spinal problems and respiratory issues for years now, and I don’t understand why women should have to go through all this since childhood? Little girls are brainwashed, by being told that if you don’t have a narrow waist and overly accentuated breasts, no man would want you and you’d stay unmarried forever. Women need to be looked at from different angles now. Hence, the change in attire. 

A total transformation is taking place, from large gowns with metal frames to support the dress; it has changed to a bustless, waist less, hipless silhouette attire. We don’t want to just please men anymore, and we certainly don’t want restricted household roles, we are the Flappers, flapping our wings to new heights, to never ending possibilities and opportunities. To people, we are women who wish to break all norms of society and do things that are otherwise considered, not so feminine. However, when we walk the streets in our straight line chemise with skirts and wedges and bobbed cut hair, we speak change, freedom, equality and independence, because Lord knows it, we deserve every bit of it. This change that is taking place in all areas; economy, suffrage, technology, infrastructure, it is all the beginning of a new era, and when the society accepts this change wholeheartedly, that is when, we are truly going to be liberated from all the suppression, discrimination and deprivation that we have faced till now. I know it, I can feel the change, and it shall happen very soon, when we, women are able to enjoy these changes as equals. Women are setting examples today, and I hope that the challenges and struggles that we are facing today, will inspire the women of the future generations, to fight for their rights and know that freedom and equality are everyone’s birth right, be it a man or a woman, for one can’t exist without the other and hence, here we come, the Flappers, to let the world know it. 

PS: here's a link to a video, where i designed a Flapper garment, modelling the theme Roaring 1920's. Hope you enjoy it. :)

My Time, My Space.

Very often i just switch off my phone in the middle of a conversation with my parents or my closest friends, for that matter, because i feel the need to cut off from MY WORLD, which consists of my family, friends, classmates, random people one keeps meeting here and there, and go in a trance like space of my own.
People often find it weird, they take it as one of those 'mood swings', but those who have known me for long, know that i often like to go into my own space randomly, out of the blue.I ponder over a thought for hours together, write a word on my laptop and keep staring at it, do the most unusual things, like talk to myself while taking all the stuff out of my wardrobe and then rearranging it, why? I really don't know. it just makes me feel light headed. Right now, even as i am writing this post, i have switched off my phone, i am in my space, my time. No phone calls, and stupid whatsapp messages asking me what is happening in college tomorrow or what songs should be performed for the upcoming programme? None of that nonsense. I know that some of my friends who i was talking to must really be confused as to why suddenly i'm out of reach, but then again, no one ever died without talking to one another for a day or two? So, that's the approach i have towards anything, is it gonna matter 5 months from now? HELL NO. And i need my time, so i go ahead and take it, i take a break from myself. I become a cold hearted, feeling-less, expression-less person who doesn't respond to anything that comes her way, mostly, because there is no means of anything,to come my way. I am invisible for that some time, i am non-existent. And honestly, that is the best feeling ever. That's MY HAPPY TIME.  Because nothing is lost, no one is hurt and i am happy. Some may wonder that my facebook may be flooded in times like these with wall posts and messages, but no. That's not the case, precisely because, i am not on facebook. I have nothing against it, it's a great means of social networking and staying in touch with all your old friends and family, but i guess my time and space is just too precious, to be invaded by something like facebook. It's not like i was never on facebook, in my mid-teens i was like any other facebook addict, but for the past two years, i've been a non-facebook-er (if that's a term). Do i miss it? No. Not one bit. People that i wish to stay in touch with, are all on facebook, and hence also have an email id, so that's MY means of staying in touch. Nothing like having a mail in your inbox from an old friend, trust me. :)
So, to all those who think i have some 'mood issues', i don't really care what you call it and if you find it mean or rude, i really don't care, but just so you know, it's just MY TIME, and MY SPACE. No grudges against anyone.
:)
Cheers.

Stuck In The Middle

Sometimes, when one tries to be understanding and tries to be a good listener to people’s worries, many a times one finds oneself stuck in the middle, not knowing which side to ally with or which side is right or wrong. People often resort to cajolery many times to get you to do what they want and to keep your relations good with them you tend to do what they ask of you. But for how long exactly is one supposed to keep doing things that others want, when is it the time to draw a line and set some ground rules defining the relationship that you have? When is it the time to say NO?

Certainly, some would say, one should know what is right and what is wrong.

Some would say, keep doing the work until and unless it’s not under your name and blame.

It’s definitely not easy to say NO. Especially, when it’s someone you know, someone you’re related to, or maybe someone superior, someone you work for, like for instance your boss?

So, what should one do?

Well, for starters, be selfish, you need to know what you’re uncomfortable with and what seems inappropriate to you?

You need to stick like a glue to your values and your ideals, because these define you and make you who you are, and once you’ve lost them, you’ve lost yourself.

If you feel, you’re a person who’s respected a lot by your colleagues and friends, and people around you, you need to know that, it’s because of who you are, these people have seen who you are and that’s why they respect you, but if you’re not YOU anymore, what reason have they got to respect you, what reason have you got to respect yourself??

So, say NO, because that’s what makes you who you are, you might get a few smirks and annoyed expressions from people you said NO to, but that’s because you proved your strength, and deep down somewhere they might even be a bit jealous, of how strong you are. :P

So, don’t be stuck in the middle. The line between what your conscience allows you to do and what you find is wrong, is only thin if you’re willing to compromise, but it’s also wide enough if you’re true to yourself because the only person that you are ACTUALLY answerable to, in the end, is yourself.

And as Rachel tells Bruce Wayne, (batman) "It’s not what you are underneath, but what you do that defines you."

So, don’t try to justify your acts, by saying "I’m not like this from inside".

Because trust me, you and I both know, we always respect reality over pretence.

So, say NO, to say YESSsssss...!!

:D